The Cost of Shame
With the dramatic flair of a reality TV show contestant, you fling your best maids outfits, floral dresses, sky-high stilettos, and that wig that makes you look like Betty Page straight into the trash. But wait! What’s that? A pair of glittery pumps hiding under the bed? Into the bin they go, accompanied by a vow to forget you ever knew the joy of doing the sissyWalk in them.
Fast forward a few weeks (or days), and you’re at work secretly browsing online for a replacement wardrobe. When a friend spots a new package on your doorstep and raises an eyebrow, you respond with the denial skills of a seasoned actor. "Oh, that? Just some... uh... workout gear!" Welcome to Purge and Denial — the two-step dance every sissy knows all too well.
Guilt/Shame, Purge/Denial are such common experiences - that it’s easy to never even contemplate how this unconscious pattern of behavior can stymie our best laid plans and limit our pleasure and joy. That’s why we need to talk about this.
It goes something like this:
This movement toward acceptance expresses itself as coming out and sharing herself with the larger world. Then fear kicks in- and BAM, the door slams shut, denial emerges along with its action (The Purge) with all its loss now actualized, a potent punishment self-imposed. Yikes!
This expression of denial along with its action of purging seems most often an internalization of perceived societal shame. The sissy believes societies view to be more correct than her own lived experience! You can see this shame is deeper in conservative society around the globe. To add further confusion - a sissy might find a sort of pleasure gained from cultivating a sense of shame that then verifies h.er desire to then be humiliated. H.er own internalization of societal misogyny and shame that follows can be conflated with the pleasure of the fantasy of being a kept woman, unable to determine h.er own destiny. While this can be a fun way to play - it must be approached with eyes wide open!
Here the sissy stops being honest with herself, she throws out all of her female clothes and accessories and foolishly attempts to go back living - only as a boring boy. During such periods, there is no cross-dressing, no associating with friends, no more engagement with like minded groups, just “returning” to the life that was a childhood definition of male; false and filled with self hatred.
It is as though confusion, shame and guilt build up and lead to a need to be metaphorically “cleansed” and become “pure” again. ( sounds like an ideology right out of the middle ages, doesn't it?)
The sissy exclaims “It’s time to live like a “real” man again!” To suffer some more.
The thing is that purging attempts are temporary and within a short period of time, to live in darkness is not sustainable, we must, we need to come back to the light of reality, and therefore, all denial in time atrophies and the truth of our being reemerges. You can count on it!
Now a sissy needs to rebuild her wardrobe and to reconnect with her friends. Sometimes this requires a deep apology to the Staff of the House as you left in a blaze of glory. Now there is a new kind of shame - the shame of being foolish and not realizing how important this part of yourself is! The pull to express honestly is far too great to deny. You are who you are and no denial will ever change that fact.
Then comes the denial.
Denial is often tied to experience of grief, trauma or other forms of abuse or rejection. In short it is the result of what others have imposed upon our lives, not what we have discerned for ourselves. Denial often rears its ugly head when we feel tired or weakened from constant efforts to conform - or when other of life’s stressors have required too much energy for us to spare for more nuanced ideas. We just basically shut it all down.
To quell denials power - start by learning what you can about your true nature. The only way out is through! Self-inquiry through exploration, leads to a wider horizons of awareness, this in turn opens options that were previously unrecognized. The House was created for this very thing – a safe container of expression to learn about yourself.
Luckily, denial comes with some big signposts.
There are a few signs that present themselves when denial has reared its ugly head. Unfortunately We see them all the time. Here’s Some common ones:
- refusal to talk about the problem.
- justifying your behavior.
- blaming others or outside forces for causing the problem.
- persisting in a behavior despite negative consequences.
- promising to address the problem in the future.
- avoiding thinking about the problem.
- turning to some ideology or philosophy (i.e. religion) to save yourself
In addition to these signs, its common to begin to feel hopeless or helpless. Depression can result and that’s a terrible place to reside in!
On some level, you know there is a problem that needs to be addressed, but you feel that nothing you do or say will make a difference. When other people try to offer advice or help, you might brush off their concern by pretending to agree or telling them to mind their own business.
The good news here is that denial is a condition we can learn about, and therefore use to our own advantage. By bringing a degree of awareness to this otherwise un-conscious pattern - its negative effects upon our lives can be lessened, and even become a source of humor as we see this old pattern weaken with each passing encounter. Just talk to an old timer – they laugh about the absurdity of their past purges!
In purging we take our denial into an action that is not rooted in our reality. It's such a harsh turn. It takes something that can be fairly benign and saddles it with extreme behavior that later requires energy and further efforts to overcome when the next cycle of desire emerges. Oh, but that’s what you were attempting with that self-punishment. Make it harder to come back next time, right?
And who doesn’t miss some of what has been previously lost to a great Purge? The horror stories are real and can be shared by every girl in the House at some point in their lives.
Can’t we have coexisting, conflicting desires?
Yes, we can! But at a certain point opposing intentions cannot coexist.
If you can afford to go on vacation to either France or Mexico, you eventually have to select just one. Both desires can persist - but the desire has to translate into an intention and action.
The good news for the sissy, is that the choice does not need to be made to live in either of the extremes, but instead to find comfort in the third option – of being a convertible. Of being the living expression of femininity in spite of or perhaps in light of being true to ones own self. In its own time, when warranted and needed!
Embracing Your True Self!
For the sissy - embracing the ability to navigate both traditional and non-traditional roles and embracing your innate sexuality can bring profound joy and wisdom. We like to call this concept being a “convertible” - rather than transitioning fully and for keepsies to one side or the other.
You are a multifaceted being with the capacity to experience and express the full spectrum of your identity – from working in the garage to doing your nails. There is no reason to hide or be shamed by either side. By fluidly moving between your different expressions, a sissy honors the entirety of who they are – and if you ask Me, that’s a lot more balanced than forcing yourself on either side of the spectrum!
As I have told so many of you in private conversations - the ability to adapt to various roles allows you to express different facets of your personality, providing a richer, more nuanced understanding of yourself. It’s often safer. It doesn’t blow up your life. It lets you keep your job, your family. The excitement and rush of the fetish. This flexibility is a beautiful gift that enables you to explore and enjoy a wider range of experience. The world needs this now more than ever!
Relish in this amazing diversity of expression you represent and the richness it brings to your life - and stop this crazy cycle!
